It is cavity filling day. Stop jumping up and down. Your day will come ok?
I used to be scared of all things dental. Then I pushed a kid out. Everything is way easier and not so scary after you do that.
I have an awesome dentist now. Great attitude, respectful, funny. That chairside attitude means a lot!
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So here is a struggle I want to share with you.
I have a five year old daughter.
There I said it.
Whew!
Oh you knew that? My bad.
Here's the deal. She is my little ball of dancing and singing happiness.
She is also my little heartbreaker.
She breaks my heart.
That is the silent rule of daughters. We all have to break our mama's hearts as we grow up. Normally, we do this as we inch towards adolescents. Snide comments, body language, you know the drill (stop acting perfect, that's so annoying.)
My little girl is not breaking my heart with those actions just yet. She really has no clue she is even breaking my heart at all.
I dropped her off at preschool and her teacher said those words no mama ever wants to hear,
"I need to talk to you."
Those six words translate, in mama language, to "Oh smack your parenting sucks."
I'll admit as soon as I heard her say that my stomach flipped. My eyes filled up with water. I didn't know what was coming but was pretty sure it was something bad. Oh Lord did she hit someone? Did she say something ugly? What has this spawn of mine done?
We stepped out of the classroom. In a matter of seconds it was no longer, "what did she do" but it was "what did I do?" -
What she did was break down in class the day before. Her eyes welled up with tears. She wanted her mommy. The teacher tried to calm her down. Nothing noticable had triggered it, at least not by a classmate or an action or a word. She just wanted her mommy.
But why did this child who loves to tell me - "Mom you have to drop me off! No adults allowed!" decide in that moment yesterday that she wanted me?
And then it clicked on the light of the closet of yesterdays.
After her brother was born she would do the same at a youth event at the church we attend. Then she'd do it at dance class.
Was it the fact that she no longer was an only child? She had a little brother now who would share the spotlight with her.
Sure that's part of it. Undoubtedly, its a big portion of it, the arrival of sibling(s) alters anyone's life whether you have babies on top of babies or space it out 5 or 14 years.
But I cannot be a bad mom and just say its my child's battle. It isn't.
Yes - she will get over it.
Yes - she will move past it.
Yes - its a phase.
Yes - its part of the age she is.
But if I want her get through it without being scarred or warped I have to woman up and realize that this is my problem too.
Two kids tire you out. Especially when you are with them non stop all day and all night. But that is no excuse to say, "No story tonight" (which I have done). Two kids can zap you of your energy reserve no matter how much Super B Complex you take but that is no excuse for you to say, "I don't have time to play right now (for the fourth time that day)."
The little tiny things that we (adults) think aren't a big deal, skipping a story time, playing dolls, racing matchboxes are really very big things to the very little people in our lives.
Yes, my child wanted her mommy yesterday. It wasn't a cry out from a spoiled rotten place - and trust me she has that space! It was a cry out from the: I need my mommy place. That's a place in all of us that will never disappear. No matter how old you are. No matter how incredibly hard you try to wish it away from your being - there is a part of you that will get to a point where you just want to curl up in a ball and let the tears roll wishing your mommy could make it all better.
Even the people who had "bad" mommies or mommies that were never really present. They still have that space that cries out - "Where's my mama? I need her."
I took my three minutes with a preschool leader today to heart. I heard the words she was saying (its just a phase but you should know...) and I heard the words my heart was saying (stop with the crap). No more can I put things such as story time and playing store on my "things I can skip when I feel too rushed or tired" list. Because the more they end up on those lists the more hurt they do to my child and to myself.
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Someone emailed me they "suffered from mommy guilt" because they were a working mom. They felt like they were missing the big stuff in their child's life and all of the little stuff due to having to punch a clock from 8am-4:30pm. She said she was afraid her child would hate her as they got older. "The way my calendar looks makes people think all I value is my time away from family and home - regular work, side job, all these plans away from my child."
I shared this today because I thought it was interesting how reading that email a couple weeks ago and how my day has panned out shows that no matter where you are working - out there at a cash register, desk or in exam rooms - or at home by the kitchen stove and toilet, you can always feel the pressures of motherhood and get drained by the little meany named mommy guilt.
Slow down, re evaluate the true priorities, pray on it, let the signs and signals guide you. You'll be ok.
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Recipe time! Hearty meal for hearty post....and its heart healthy. I lied when I said this was vegan. It is not vegan. I'll explain that in a moment.
Not So Vegan but Highly Vegetarian Chili1 can of mexicorn - drained
1 can of black beans - drained & rinsed
1 can of dark red kidney beans - drained & rinsed
1 can of light red kidney beans - drained & rinsed
1 can of diced tomatoes
1 onion chopped
1 pkt of ranch
1 pkt of chili mix
Pepper to taste1/2 c water
(If you don't have a chili mix you can use chili powder and paprika. No monkeys were harmed in the making of this chili.)
Throw it all in the crock pot on high for three hours.
Stir it often
Eat up!
Why is it not vegan? Vegan requires no animal product and your chili mixes and ranch packet may have a bit of dairy or egg product in them. This is so close to vegan you can taste the "live forever mentality" but its not totally vegan because it may have trace amounts of some animal product.
It is healthy, it is feeling and as my husband said: "Its goooood!"
Disclaimer: I am not to blame for your flatulance.
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Until we meet again -
Brownie
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