Love Notes: Grand Finale

Get this...if you want a successful marriage then when you get angry you should both strip down and see if you still want to fight it out.

Did that catch your attention?

Just kidding but I have heard it works wonders.

I'm closing up this topic today to make way for a new topic for March.  

Today I want to end the marriage enrichment blog posts with this....probably the most important lesson learned in our enrichment study that we enjoyed immensely.

There are six words that you should never forget to say to your spouse.

I am sorry

&

I forgive you

I could sit here and type about how you need to say I love you all the time but folks that is a given.  You know you need to say those three words and normally they fall out of our mouths without us even thinking about it.

The words - I am sorry and I forgive you do not seem to just roll off the tongue with great ease.  They are almost too difficult for us to say.

I am sorry.

Those are three powerful words.  When you say them with genuine meaning then you are truly a strong person. When you say them you are admitting you were wrong.  As humans it is very hard for us to admit we are wrong.  It starts early and sticks with us. 

I know how hard it is to say I am sorry.  I am a tough cookie to crack. Yes, I am bull headed as they come! Those three words are so very laborious for me to mumble, let alone clearly speak!

But the power they have is incredible.

When I am a wife that has said something out of anger or rage or hurt feelings I am a difficult and scary creature.  It is too easy for me to say words that cut flesh and bone.  I can rattle cages and do so much damage with my words.  

As I have gotten a little older and wiser and as I have been married longer and experienced more bumps in the road I have realized I can better hold my fiery tongue.  I have also learned, though it is hard on me, I can also apologize for hurt I have caused my spouse with angry expressions.

I forgive you.

My husband forgives my anger.  That is so powerful.  If he couldn't forgive my dagger throwing mouth then we couldn't make it.

Forgiveness is harder sometimes than apologizing.  

People hurt us and we want to cradle that hurt like a little baby.  Then we want to in turn use that hurt against the person who hurt us.  

Think back to Chuck & Larry....

It is a circle, a never ending, good for nothing circle that cannot make anything stronger but hatred and resentment.

I have been hurt badly in my life.  I wanted to hang on to that hurt and use it to fuel my detestation for the people who had hurt me.  What did that do?  Make a mockery of me?  Of course.  I couldn't move forward if all I wanted to do was hold something against someone else.  I was the brick wall and I was making situations worse by not allowing them to heal.

When I offered forgiveness - wholehearted forgiveness - my life became so much better.

I held the idea of forgiving my husband for some of his wrongdoings in a little box, tucked away.  He wasn't worthy of my forgiveness because he had only thought of himself and never regarded me or our daughter.

That is irony folks.

The irony is I was hurting him by only thinking of the pain placed on me by his ill decision making.  I was being a stupid human.  By being that stupid human I was making the pain worse and I was not allowing healing to take place.

Marriages cannot survive if your own spouse cannot give you mercy and by mercy I mean forgiveness.  As far as that goes no relationship can last if you cannot ask for forgiveness and offer it up.

As Christians I owe everyone who ever hurts me forgiveness. We were granted the most amazing forgiveness in a horrific death on a piece of crossed wood.  Your spouse is the person who you made a covenant with that says you will bless them and love them and pardon them just as Christ did for you. 

If you want your marriage to last always admit your wrongdoings and give apology. But with that apology should be a better you who strives to NEVER repeat the hurting cycle.  It takes work and will not automatically come to you.  You must practice self discipline and selflessness.  Never forget that apology without action is pointless.

 Always, always, always offer forgiveness.  If you can do this you can grow together into something so amazing, strong, and beautiful.

For those who have been hurt, deeply, and find the marriage at its end...you still owe it to yourself and your spouse to apologize for the hurt.  Divorce brings such devastation to hearts and souls and you both owe it to each other to apologize and forgive so that you can move forward into a healthier view and hopefully healthier and much happier relationship down the road.

I have enjoyed sharing what I have learned in this series.  Also, I would recommend you picking up Adam Hamilton's Book Love To Stay.  I had planned to do a give away of the book but I decided it deserves a spot on our shelf.  It is a good reference and something that I feel like some of my local friends may want to divulge in at some point.  You can purchase this book by clicking the link below.

Right now Amazon is offering a Free Sample of Love To Stay by Adam Hamilton for Kindle Users. You can also purchase the hard cover book for $11.99 at this site.

Love Notes

Happy February!  It isn't a shock that I have pinkish hearts on my blog today and I know it is totally old hat to add in anything about love in the month that is February.  I guess having a blog and not embracing the whole reason February must have been invented (haha) would be a travesty.

So guess what?

Wednesdays, this month, are going to be focusing in on that thing called love.  The catch?  Its not that puppy love crap and its not lust and its not like.  I'm focusing in on a more specific and not always so happy go lucky topic....marriage.

My husband and I will be finishing up a marriage enrichment series in the coming weeks. I think its interesting how people think enrichment is code for therapy.  They are actually two totally different things. 

Think of it this way...if you are a teacher or a nurse or any professional at all you generally have to keep your professional license up to date by taking CEU's (continuing education units or CEC continuing education credits).  You do this because, even though, you graduated with that degree and obtained that certification you couldn't expect to be all up to speed and never have to learn again to keep with the times.

The same thing goes for marriage.

You married in your teens, twenties, thirties or forties.  Things aren't going to stay just the way they were the day or month or year you were married.

You're going to face new phases in your life that you aren't sure you're ready for and your spouse is going to be there with you whether they choose to be truly present or not!

There will be times when the spark you thought you shared seemed to have burned out ages ago.

You may even look at each other and lack to feel anything.

One day the kids will be grown and gone and you'll be stuck staring at that guy or girl you couldn't wait to make those babies with.  You may look at them like you don't know them and you may be like gah where did you come from?

Enrichment brings you back to realizing who you two were before babies, jobs, finances, and all that lovely stress that comes with being a big person.

It works as a preventative measure in helping to assure your marriage will make it when things get hard - and lets be real - it can get hard.

Our study was based around Adam Hamilton's book Love To Stay: Sex, Grace & Commitment.  This was a great resource tool and facilitator for younger Christian couples.  It is written for those of us with a more open mindedness towards marriage and who aren't too afraid to ask about sex and divorce.

The first chapter and the first small group meeting led us to the discussion of how marriage is more than a piece of paper.  Indeed it is.  Marriage is a commitment of heart, mind, spirit, and the physical.  Marriage is more than a $50 fee at a Registrar of Deeds - it is a legal contract (covenant) that you and one other person make to say - I love you, I will not forsake you, I will lift you up, I will not destroy you.

Sometimes I choose to share a little tidbit of my past.  I try to limit what I share but when it seems like it would be useful to another woman who reads this blog I cannot keep it in.

We were babies

I married my husband and I fell so far out of love with him that it was hard to even look at him.  We were the proverbial two ships passing by.  I didn't find joy in him.  I didn't find happiness in him.  He was not active in my life or our daughter's for the first few of her existence.  He spent his time avoiding us, neglecting us.  Divorce, I would not do.  I told myself over and over that would not be our fate.  But after some events I was collecting the names of attorneys and plotting how I would live my life without being married.  One night, I was alone, as usual, and I allowed myself to just break down and cry.  I was raised in church and knew God but this time I knew I had to call on Him.  I sobbed and begged for Him to just take it away from me - the pain and heart break and fear.  My child deserved a better father and I would really like to think I deserved a slightly more present and better spouse.

We didn't divorce.  I never called any of the attorneys whose names I was so easily given.  Eventually, things would happen in our lives that would allow us to know each other differently and grow together.  We would grow stronger as a couple and in time the man I married would be the man I wanted to marry and not someone who drove me to anger and tears.

I valued my marriage even though my marriage was sucking all the life out of me.  I knew my marriage was worth fighting for because it wasn't abusive, it wasn't degrading, it was immaturity and ill solicited fear that was tearing it apart.

This year marks our 8th year of marriage.  We've never been better, more in love, or happier.

The message for you to take with you is that marriage is something serious and something that you shouldn't enter into lightly.  It should be held with high regard and and defended.  Marriage shouldn't have an easy out because its more than that (within reason....no one deserves to be beaten or abused or cheated on).  It is more than a document at the courthouse and more than a white dress and delicious cake.  It is two people giving up a part of self to become one working unit.

A working unit that adores and cherishes each other....even when they leave the toilet seat up.

A working unit that requires God to be allowed in to let Him do so much of the work on us as a couple and in us as individuals.

See ya later.