The time I watched 20 minutes of a movie....

Last Friday night I was pretty much on my own for about an hour.  

My daughter had gone out to dinner with my mom and my son passed out early.  Have I mentioned he gave up napping last week?  I don’t mind it but the babysitter will.  No worries, he’ll transition back.

Anyhoo, I was lying on the floor in the playroom, that’s normal right?  Thinking, “Hey, I can watch some Netflix right now!”

At some point this summer I was possessed by an insane female creature with probably too much estrogen in her veins.  I say this because there was a Nicholas Sparks movie on my “list”.

I looked at the t.v. and thought – “what?”

Look, I liked Nicholas Sparks in the early 00’s when I was too immature to realize his stuff is….crap.  I mean seriously guys.  The first book I read of this jokester's made it sound like Asheboro was in the mountains.  Fool, you ain’t from no North Carolina, stop playin’.

(Asheboro is more central NC.  He obviously is as confused between

(Asheboro and Asheville as my husband)

(Yeah, I said it.)

So look, I read three of his books and gave up.  They were the same thing over and over.  He just killed the opposite spouse so we would change up the widower/widow character and the drama was always the same if you asked me.

Yawn, sigh, bored.

Well, I guess I thought maybe I should give whatever movie this was a shot.  So I did... for twenty minutes.

I really love the mysterious blogger Military Wife & Pug Life – she does some awesome recaps of the Oscar winning films produced by Lifetime (bahahaha).  Well as I was watching the whole twenty minutes I could fathom of this Nick Sparks novel I could envision her commentary on it.

Then I realized why I hated Nicholas Sparks movies….

They are Lifetime crap films that even Lifetime isn’t showing on the regular.

Here’s the gist of the low budget, crap movie, whose title I cannot remember that I wasted twenty minutes of my life on….

Main character man on oil rig….oil rig explodes….miraculously he saves two lives and doesn’t die after plummeting into the sea.  

Doctor tells him he is a miracle and should be dead.

Amazing – he has no cuts, bruises, scratches, broken anything, he’s perfectly well and shows no battle wounds.

Main character female is at her nice suburban home with her teen kid who is about to graduate high school.  They are looking at the stars.  She has that look of perfect sadness.  You immediately know this chick is 1000000% unhappy with her life.  Shocker.

Fast forward – miracle man who went by the name Dawson (are you kidding me….can we just change his last name to Creek instead of Cole and make this full circle lame) is at his trailer home near the bay drinking a beer and he gets a call some guy has died and he has to go to the lawyers office.

The scene prior was our sad housewife (whose name was Amanda, hard to forget that name) getting the exact same call.  We met her douche-bag spouse who looks like a used car saleslman a couple scenes back.  Anyhoo, he’s angry somebody died and says something like, “Don’t go because you’ll probably meet your high school flame who will treat you like a queen and then you’ll have a major decision to make – leave me and my ass hat self for a guy who really loves you or stay with me and my ass hat self and hate your life.”

Yep, so she goes to the hometown where the person has died and of course she sees our miracle man and he sees her and you know they are all like ooohhh baby baby but she says she has to leave and he’s all sullen and quiet.

Then the flashback starts.

High school shows us that miracle man is a strangely mid-twenties looking guy who is trying to play a 12^th grader.  Weird.  He has a bad haircut and I keep thinking he’s going to turn into a zombie because the guy looks like a zombie.  He has no personality and is a robotic type good guy who helps people when their cars have disconnected battery cables.  What?  Yes.

Meanwhile this Amanda chick is a popular sundress wearing chick who isn’t afraid of a boy.  She comes on to him twice before I turned it off.  Of course he's a little zombie man and doesn't get it.

What really made me say, "This is the stupidest film I’ve seen since Hot Tub Time Machine," was this:

We see Miracle Man as a teenager going to his home.  Well I’m not sure what all was going on but I swear I saw a guy shooting a gun for no reason, targets, hillbillies, a dirty prosto, and a strange dad who looked like he was either a preacher or a Pinkney officer.  I was so lost by that scene that I was like – this is stupid and I cannot kill brain cells watching this.

Yep, twenty minutes of a Nicky Sparks movie was enough for me. I feel like I know how it ended.  I mean I have read some of his books before and as I already stated….redundancy is his life's work.

Oh crap...somebody reading this was totally into this movie and they are offended.  Sorry 'bout that.

What films can you not stand to watch?