Sit-at-home-wear-my-sweats-drink-my-adult-beverage-click-add-to-cart

This year if you want to know where your gift came from from me then assume Amazon.

I am a: sit-at-home-wear-my-sweats-drink-my-adult-beverage-click-add-to-cart kind of shopper.  Thank you Lord for putting the idea of the internet into someone's noggin.  

Things Brownie doesn't do well with:  

1.  Legos

2.  People who are mean to animals and children  

3.  Shopping around the holidays

4.  Stupid

If you must have explanation my mind isn't very mechanical but more um...hmmm...ADHD?  So I cannot construct those uber cool lego creations on boxes (even if it is a box).  That number two I think we can all understand, however if you cannot just shoot me an email and I'll have a nice man in a car with pretty blue lights come pick ya up!  

Then there's number three and number four which actually are related if you ask me.

My first encounter came on Friday when I went shopping for FOOD.  Oh whoa did I hit all caps on that one?  Yes, I went to the grocery store, the food market, the place we all hate to go.  I got there early (you know I am an Aldi girl and they don't open until 9 in most markets).  So I hang out for fifteen minutes awaiting the cashier (who I hear makes $13/hr....not too shabby for a grocery clerk!) come over and unlock the doors.

To my left - a lady, middle aged, sucking down a cigarette like its the birth control she forgot in 1984 after a one night stand with Kenny Truckerman.  In front of me - a very antsy man, he is obviously totally ready to get his gro-sto on.  To my right - our subject.  Late thirty something female, bad 1997 haircut, angry scowl on face, list on steering wheel.

The doors are unlocked and we move out of our vehicles and into the car.  Lady on the left I see, guy in front I see, lady from the right has disappeared.  Where did these other three people come from?  Ever had one of those moments when you see everybody waiting but you get in and magically more shoppers have appeared out of evidently no where?

We're just cruising along, taking our time, grabbing what we need.....and lady from the right appears.  She looks pissed as hell and she's in been in here (obviously) longer than me.  Her cart is pretty damn full.  We make eye contact and I smile and she gives me a look that says smile-at-me-again-and-I-call my-cousin-to-slice-you-into-pieces-of-tinsel.

I giggle.

I always giggle when someone is mad and its obviously not because of me.  It is a weird tick I have I guess.

I turn the next corner, sashaying about.  Who is suddenly behind me?  Evil Woman From The North..."I GET MY GROCERY YOU GET OUT OF ME WAY!"  Now I am shaking with the giggles that I am trying to stuff deep inside.  This woman is way too serious and she looks way unflattering.

My son is in the cart dancing.  A few elderly folks take a second to chat with him and he flirts.  It is a nice little time in the grocery store with the seventy plus crowd when a buggy turns the corner, piled high, and then you see the driver.  Her lips are pursed, her eye is dead on me, and she is pushing with great fervor. Please note there are a few great grandpas and one great grandma at my cart talking to my 15 month old about Santee Claus.  This bread and butter bitch must have some deep rooted anger because she speeds her buggy up nearly knocking one of my golden years friends down.  

That was it.

I had had enough of this happy holiday hooligan.  I turned my buggy on its wheel and went off to get up in that broad's way.

Next aisle....not there.  I hung out and read all about chicken stock and chicken broth.  She's not appearing.

Next aisle....not there.  I pretend I have a dog who would love some treats.  She's not appearing.

Back to the stock and broth aisle.  I pick up some noodles and contemplate going out for Chinese.  I hear wheels.  I see metal.  I spin my buggy around.  The baby laughs.  Evil one makes eye contact with my baby....on cue he laughs that throaty baby laugh.  She rolls her eyes.  She looks at me.

This is my moment!  This is my time to let her know by body language and sighs that she is a gro sto hoe!  I wheel up beside her.  I look at the freezer case.  I look in her cart.  It is loaded down with Christmas baking supplies and meats and dairy to the hilt.  

I'm forming my words, carefully.

....and I walk away.

I go check out.  I"m in line putting my items on the conveyor belt and who comes up behind me?  Yeah the Christmas Season embodied in one angry face.  As soon as she sees me she rolls her eyes and sighs.  

Do I know this hooch?  Seriously, I better know her for her to be all fifteen years old on me.  All my stuff is on the line, the cashier is scanning away, I pay for my groceries and I turn around to the happiest shopper on the earth.  I look at her items on the belt and look back at her and I say, 

"I hope you have a Merry Christmas."

Yes those were my poignant words.  Masterfully created, no?

I smiled and would you believe this bitty didn't roll her eyes at me or sigh.  She just stared at me.

Then I realized she could be an Atheist all into baking sugar cookies and whipping up a glazed ham.

The lesson I learned from happy camper?  Pay attention to my mood when I'm out.  Evidently, myself and the nursing home kids weren't out to piss off madame shopper but she was putting out that vibe geeky white kids pull when they have to go through the trailer park.  You know....I'm tough and I'll switch your head's place with your left foot if you look at me wrong.  

Day 2  Hitting up the stores

I know better than to go to a retail venue two weeks prior to the big birthday party.  However, I needed to get some craft supplies for my preschoolers.  My mom needed to get some gifts.  I needed to get a few odds and ends too.  We decided to go to a smaller place than one of the larger cities around.  Good idea?

Our first stop was breakfast at IHOP.  It was fine.  Our next stop Old Navy, no one in there, perfect!  Next Marshall's a little busy but nothing that requires a Xanax.  Then we went to the new strip mall which houses a Belk, Michael's, and Kohl's. 

I'm not going to lie it was nice looking and putting things in my cart and getting excited about some awesome deals.  Then I saw the line.  Oh-my-Lord.  I do not handle lines.  I hate them.  I despise them.  This line was forty three hundred feet long give or take a few hundred.  My blood pressure shot up, way up.  I couldn't handle it.  I parked my buggy and left.

Why do I hate lines?  Because when three people pick up things that a) aren't tagged b) were in the wrong place therefore the ring up price differs from the sign they saw or c) the shopper changes their mind twenty-three times before they finalize their transaction.  I cannot handle it!  Go through your purchase BEFORE you get in line!  Use the SELF SCANNERS to verify prices.  Don't put a choke hold on everyone else behind you because the slippers are ringing up $8.99 when you know the sign said $7.99.

The Michael's was busy but the line was short.  Score on what I really needed....stuff for my preschoolers.

I was so frazzled after walking in the cold rain back to my car that my pit stop at McDonald's baffled me.  I kid you not when I pulled up I told the guy that I had no clue what I had ordered but I hope he had a good day.  He said, "Merry Christmas.  We have gift cards."

So I'll just sit at home and click buttons and await my friendly USPS, UPS and FedEx guy with a smile and a bag of cookies for his long hours.  You can keep your chaotic shopping experiences.