I'm writing this between two days - 1.29 & 1.30.
Bare with me - and yes I meant bare not bear.
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I am broken. I can admit to it. I am not what I strive to be. However, I still strive to be the person I want so desperately to be.
I just sat through a webinar - a great hour and twenty minutes of cussing my computer and cussing a website and rolling my eyes and going - TECHNOLOGY SUCKS! After my hissy fit....the computer worked brilliantly. Shocker?
A reminder I am broken.
If I was who I wanted to be I would have just been like - ok this will work itsself out and if it doesn't arrangements will be made. But no...I got hot headed.
Then I cooled down.
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Every day I struggle with different issues. I am sure you do too and you may not want to admit to them or you may just want to deny them all together. I used to do that.
My issues on any given day include:
1. I am a sucky mom. What a crap job I am doing. My kid hates me. My kid doesn't hate me she loves me but she will eventually hate me.
2. Why am I so short fused. I am never going to see 32 if I continue igniting because I will have a heart attack.
3. Why is my husband doing that? Is it my fault he's decided to do that? Oh my Lord what in the world is going on.
4. My friends probably think I hate them, I'm such a bad friend.
5. Why can't I fit into my clothes, I'm not budgeting for clothes because I have a lot I love that I cannot wear because I still have this baby weight on me. Oh my Lord, I'm a blimp. I'm a yucky looking blimp. No wonder my friends are thinking I'm terrible, just look at me.
6. There goes my fuse again. I may not live to 31 and a half at this rate.
7. Why am I so damn ugly? Holy crap what is this skin issue I have? My hair looks nasty. Look at this chubawub I am wearing. I'll be ready for a flood, after I'm too tired to swim my michelin will carry me on down the river.
8. Am I getting dumber by the minute?
And that's just a sample platter.
How broken am I? I'm that broken plus about ten.
I'm never happy with my accomplishments in a given day. I always say - I could have done more. I could have spent more time with my child. I could have yelled a little less. I could have organized the kitchen again. I could have done another Baby Einstein with the baby. I could have walked the dog a few more times. I should have managed my chicken coop today. I should have planned dinner better. Why didn't I run today? Why didn't I shoot her an email?
Its my own boot camp of ridicule every day....over and over.
I am my own worst enemy.
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Correction - I was.
It wasn't until last year I realized - NO, Brownie you aren't worthy of the ridicule you bestow upon yourself.
My life isn't peaches and cream - I will be the first to admit to it. I battle little devils (no that's not a reference to my children). Some of those devils are my own and some belong to others that I unconsciously take upon myself. Those demons shove me in a dark hole sometimes but it was in the last year that I realized those devils can be blown away when I realize something.
I'm blessed.
I'm chosen.
I'm taken.
I'm blessed in that I was so easily willed two children. These two children are my little paradises on earth. They show me how to live my life - with eyes that only see the good and are never afraid of the glimpses of bad. A little girl who is learning all about faith and who can teach me more faith based lessons than any minister or Bible teacher. When I erupt she is so calm. She gives me one look that says, "Its ok. You're ok. I'm ok." And in that instant it is clear - my child is showing me the love of something more powerful than a mama.
I'm blessed in that my son was born healthy. All those fears from February forward were washed away on the day he was born and the doctor said - "He's fine!"
I'm blessed with a wonderful husband who allows me to be home with our children. He works endlessly to make sure financially we are sufficient. He is a good dad. He has huge heart and the patience of Job. He is the true yin to my yang.
I'm blessed in that I truly do not ever have to worry about the roof over my head (though from the road yesterday I may a little if it decides to drip drip drop those rain pellets on me....). I do not have to worry about the food in my fridge. I do not have to worry about how I will get from point A to point B.
I am blessed in that I am healthy. But I need to be more aware of that blessing so that my health doesn't faulter.
But even better than the blessings I have is the fact that I am chosen.
I was chosen long before I ever realized it. When I vowed that the idea of God was like a smile on a dog - not real just an illusion, I had already been chosen. I had already been picked to be on His team. When I laughed at the "Bible" thumpers and thought them uneducated - I had already been placed on His list.
Broken, banged up, bruised......and chosen.
And taken.
I am taken - no one will ever have me - though they try. I am taken by the One who chose me, who also took me and tells me - Brownie, you are mine and I will be jealous of you until I reclaim you to where all my blessed and chosen children are taken when their time has ran out on that revolving sphere below.
When I allow myself to remember these truths then all my brokenness is gone and I begin to feel whole.
Unfortunately, it is not all too often I remember these promises. I let it get away from me and am consumed by this world. That's my achilles heel. That's my flat tire.
Then it happens....my child, husband, or even my doggie sparks that reminder.
I am blessed.
I am chosen
I am taken.
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And so are you.
I don't care if your Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Scientologist, Jewish (yes you have always been chosen, I know!), Daoist, Buddhist, Islamic, Atheist, Agnostic, it does not matter.... You are chosen.
It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, felon, minister, teacher, student.
If you are a sinner - you are chosen.
If you are broken - you are beautiful.
The catch to all of this?
You have to make the true realization within yourself that you are blessed. All that gradeur that you see is not something you were ever owed but something you were given. You may say: No Brownie no one gave me this, I had to work for it. The ability to work for it, to live in a place where you were given the opportunity to be available have all that wonderful "stuff" - all those wonderful people - all of that opportunity is a blessing.
You are chosen. You were made from a grand design. Though you carry that excess around the middle, you buy Clairol, you feel inadequate at whatever - you're still made from the best salt and the most beautiful clay. You were chosen long before you realized it because the person who made you -no not the cells, but the being that created the recipe that is you chose every single good grain that makes you up.
You are taken. This is the tricky part. You may not be taken yet. See, you are responsible for realizing your blessing and understanding how you were chosen - after you come to that realization you will be able to say - Yes I am taken and nothing else will be able to have me because I allowed myself to be taken by the one who blessed and chose me.
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I am not perfect.
I will never be.
That is a relief.
But I am always:
Blessed
Chosen
Taken
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The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
Psalm 34:18
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Until we meet again -
Brownie
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