June 30th

For a girl who loves summer, this is the one day of the summer that is filled with raw, often surpressed emotion.

Today marks eleven years since I lost my beloved Mammaw.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her or give her a last kiss on the cheek.  Instead, I spent a morning in a blur rushing up Highway 64 to get to her home.  I kept breaking down in tears as I drove and I met a wonderful NC State Trooper who gave a me a hug and told me get home safe.

I didn't get a chance to have those cherished moments of sitting in yard chairs, side by side, talking about whatever came to mind, one more time. Instead, I stood at a house I knew all too well feeling like a stranger and at the same time a lost little girl.  I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact she was no longer there.  My heart knew she would just appear but she never did and for the first time the true weight of loss was felt in my heart.

Her loss impacted me in a way that I cannot quite describe and I pray to God I never experience again.

It was abrupt.  That is merciful.

It was out of the blue.  That was an act of grace.

It was a blessing and a curse.

When we think of death we say silent prayers that it will come swiftly and in our sleep so that we feel no pain and that we aren't a burden to any loved one.

We do not want to die slowly, painfully, losing our abilities and cognizance.

Unfortunately, I'm watching my remaining grandmother die a slow and paralyzing death at the grip of Alzheimer's Disease.  It hardens my heart and then shatters it to a million pieces to see a once well put together and graceful woman turn into a shell of a human being with the mind of a toddler.

It makes me think back to those silent prayers - take me swiftly, in my sleep, so I am not a burden.

Life is full of learning experiences that fit fragmented pieces of puzzles together intricately.  This experience of watching one grandmother slowly fall into death's arms verses another who was swiftly without disease retire from this earth has shown me the mercies of God are immense and His process for taking each one of us has it's own logic.  We do no see that logic for years sometimes but when we do see His way in clear form we often find His love in it.

Though today I will do things with my children that I enjoyed doing with her my heart's affliction of her being gone from this life before weddings she should have attended, men she should have met who would take the role of grandsons-in-law, babies she should have rocked at 1:00 each afternoon in the rocking chair in front of Days of Our Lives.

But then grace will remind me...she was taken mercifully - quickly, painlessly, and into the arms of the angels without losing her abilities, capacities, and without worrying over becoming someone's burden and worry.  That same grace allowed my remaining grandmother to meet my husband, attend my wedding, hold both my babies, and have her when I needed a grandmother most as an adult.

God gives us seasons with important people.  I am full of thanks for 23.75 years with my Mammaw just as I am so glad for 30 years of good memories with my Mom-o.  Don't question the mercy and grace of the Lord.  He has his ways and they are filled with beauty.  It just takes us time to see the magnificence of His grace.

xo -

Amanda