Out here in the middle

Nearly eight years ago I had a significant life change.



I had a daughter.

Best thing in the world?  Of course.  Major source of love?  Indeed.  Definite source of stress?  Completely.

I've watched my "baby girl" morph into this independent roller coaster of growing up.

At times I'm just sad.

I think back on her being a tiny tot like her brother and well....it is a haze.  Time flew by at such warped speed that its just hard to remember when she was my little bitty princess.

I can remember her pretending to be a ghost and walking slap dab into the wall at 2 years old.  She froze in place with the sheet over her and then giggled.  I remember her singing to her dog, George, in the bathtub.  I remember her loving to have books read to her and then her reading me the books at a really early age.

I just hate the times in between are lost.



Now she's wrapping up first grade and becoming more mouthy and more independent than ever.

I remember being like that.  (Sorry, mom.)

In one of my college classes we called these times of change - life stage transitions.

Around age 7 and 8 you transition into middle childhood.  That means you're not a baby by any means and you're not a teenager.  You're caught in the middle.  Today we'd call them 'tweens I guess.

I hate being caught in the middle of anything.

The middle is an odd place to be.  You're not adorable with everyone cooing over you.  You're not an all too awkward something-teen year old with frustration and rights of passages coming at you from all angles.  You don't get all the attention but you spend a lot of time thinking up ways to grab that spotlight without it burning your palm.

 You're in the eye of the storm.  The calm little purgatory that will give you a sense of holding on tight and knowing you're safe from the brutal wind that will eventually blow your way in a couple years. The storm that begins when your shower holds some ProActive and you have to wear that contraption that keeps your blossoming chest in check.

It is a stressor for this mama.  I have been there and I have done that and I trashed the tshirt because that wasn't my most memorable time.

I would like to keep my little girl little but what good is that?  No good at all.  The purpose of her being entrusted to me was for me to raise her to the best of my ability. To guide her into maturity and into becoming a wonderful young lady. A lady who can make a little difference on this big, ugly world.



But I'm not ready for this middle period.  I see signs of the future when she gets upset with me.  And for that matter when I get frustrated with her.  I hear her forked tongue spit mean words my way when things just "aren't fair".  She's getting taller and reading different books and doing different math problems and wanting to be Taylor Swift.

There are moments, though, when she is that sweet little girl.  The times when she wants to snuggle and she wants to read to her brother and when she asks me the cutest most innocent questions.

Like a caterpillar that has to make the change....she's still morphing over.

It is hard to watch this change.  I remember us fixing a yummy snack and curling up together to watch cooking shows because she wanted to be Giada.  Now its Uncle Grandpa and "turn up that song its Ariana Grande."

Take it as it comes...that's what I'm teaching myself to do.  I cannot plan too much for the roads we're going to be traveling soon.  I have to just have faith we'll do a good job navigating in the dark.  I'll be reading more parenting books and asking more questions.  I'll be consuming more wine and asking God for more favors.

This summer starts the bumpy road to the next phase of growing up.  I'm sending her to a day camp. I'm afraid if we have to be in each other's presence 24/7 she'll rip me to shreads or I'll post her on Craigslist for sale. So to keep us both safe and sane, I'll load her on a bus in the mornings and pick her up from that same bus right before dinner.  She'll be with kids she doesn't know and she'll make wonderful new friends and learn all about the world....the good and whatever the more worldly kids can share with her in between activities.

I've already had a hard time just thinking about that first ride to camp.  My little girl getting on a big bus to go spread her wings a little more with mama in the rear view.

Out here in the middle....