Thoughts on Weddings

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I dread the day my daughter says, "I'm getting married."

I'm not a weddings kind of girl.  Really.

I guess since I'm older it just seems like a big waste of money.  Remember, Cinderella wedding doesn't mean happily ever after.  A big, elaborate event doesn't automatically grant a phenomenal marriage.

And big fat debt doesn't equal tranquility.

....Oh and we happen to be in wedding season.

I have a few little morsels from my nugget to let you savor upon.  We'll call them Wedding Thoughts By Brownie....

1.  Do you have a home?

If you do not have a home to live in post nuptuals....you may need one.  Of course you may be cool with living in daddy's basement with your new other half.  I, however, would rather have my own place to be a "newlywed" in.

Perhaps checking your wedding budget would help you with furthering that dream of having your own place.

2.  Do you have debt?  School?  Credit?  Gambling?

If you have debt out the anal cavity then why the frick do you think you need to add to it?  BINGO you don't.  Here's what I say....grab your besties and a cute dress and take that lover to the courthouse.  Better yet jump in the car and drive to the beach and find a judge who will marry you barefoot!  You really need to save that 20K for your debt pay off not debt addition.

3.  You're getting married not working the K&W.

You do not have to feed people a meal.  If they are capable of coming to your shin dig then they are capable of ordering a number ten at Mickey D's on the way.

But you should have something yummy to snack on.  My experience with wedding food is this:  Hospital food on a different plate.

4.  Nobody gives a rat's ass about your dress, except you.

And you grandma who never thought she'd see that much tit action away from her own bathroom mirror.
Don't waste money on a dress you wear ONE TIME.  Get that shit off the clearance rack or be really creative.
Do you know where my dress is?  Hanging up in the bag in the closet....same place it has been for over 7 years.  No, I don't pull it out and vacuum in it.  No, I don't pull it out to go to Dollar General in.  I never look at the damn thing.  I really don't think my kid will wear it.  So what is the point?

5.  Flowers are expensive and they DIE.

Sorry floral people.  It is true.  Why do people go ape shit over flowers?  Oh wait....I should rephrase that because I do kinda go ape shit over flowers.

Save the florist for something else and go put some money towards the flowers you plant and that last forever.

6.  Photography....everybody is one now.

I wouldn't pay an arm and a leg for wedding photos.  Here's why.  Everybody and their brother has a nice camera these days and editing software.  The elusive photographer is now a dime a damn dozen.  Call up one of your cousins or aunts or your gay nephew I'm sure they have a $3,000 Nikon they got for Christmas and can do some magic with that shit.

7.  Venue

If you live in a rural community with farms and old houses then do not go rent a farm and old house seven hours away for your wedding.  It is stupid.  It is rude.  It is making people wonder about your brain chemistry.  I bet if you ask your neighbor who has the old school farm house with the antique flowers growing in the yard and the beautiful pasture with the nice pond....they'll say yes and if you throw in a hundred bucks or two they'll even make you a pound cake.

I like creativity on weddings.  Churches are fine but if its pretty weather be creative.  Hell, tell everybody to sport shorts and t-shirts and get married by the river.  Instead of kissing the bride ya'll jump in with the turtles and snakes!  Nothing says love like a possible Water Moccasin bite together.

8.  But Brownie my parents are paying for it!

Then do yourself a HUGE favor.  Go small.  Mom and dad may be more inclined to help with the house, bills, etc if you don't drain their retirement for your six hour event.  Trust me, I do not remember but three seconds blips from my special day and if I had it to do over I'd go to Charleston get married at JOP and then spend the rest of the weekend soaking in the sun on the beach.

In a white sundress.